It's been a good week. I am noticing that I am alot more calm. My brain seems to have slowed down to a pace where I do not feel frantic anymore. I am concentrating better at work and getting alot more accomplished. Also, in my home life, things are becoming more organized. Or maybe I am just more at peace with the mess - ha!

This week I've been compiling in my mind a list of things I'd like to do while in San Francisco. There are so many things to do, but much of it is free or little cost, but of course when you multiply "little cost" by 4 people, it becomes much, much more in a hurry. :)

Anyway, these are some of the ideas I've had so far:

The San Francisco Zoo
Visiting the Golden Gate Bridge and walking on it
The Golden Gate Park
Monteray Bay Aquarium
Cruise from Monteray Bay with whale watching
Exploratorium
Riding the ferry over and spending a day at Fisherman's Wharf
Stinson Beach (of course!!!)

Wow, already I can see by listing that out that since we have six days there, those are too many things - lol. But it is great to know that we are going to be able to choose whatever we want to do.

I am looking forward to my little Christmas present to the girls and I feel good about it. A week off work right around Christmas. Getting away from the snow and stuff here and going to be by the ocean and seeing my brother. Letting the girls see their uncle. Did I mention - getting away?

:)

I think it will be worth every penny spent on the tickets and more because I am hoping the girls will remember this trip more than any presents I could have bought them.

Maddie woke up this morning and came to sit and talk with me. She shared that she'd had a dream last night where I told her to "come here" and when she walked in there was cute little puppy dog that was for her. She was so happy. Then she woke up thinking it was real. Tears were in her eyes as she said this to me.

I want to be able to give her a dog. I do. I know she's been asking for years. The problem is a money issue and a time issue. I know that it is not just a one time purchase. Dogs need constant attention and training and from what I can tell, lots of vet visits. I do not know much about dogs. I've never had one. But I do know that Maddie is very attentive and would do her best to take care of it.

What if I couldn't train it and it ended up being one of those stories like you see on the Dog Whisperer? What if I came home and my couch was torn to smitherines? But, looking into her eyes and listening to her heart, I realize that I get one shot at being her mother while she is a little girl and her heart's cry has been for a puppy for as long as I can remember. I will start considering and working towards getting her one for her 11th birthday which would be next July.

I completed a 15 mile hike this weekend. It was like nothing I've ever done. There were times that I felt like I was going to have to quit and just sit down, but the sun was setting and there was no way I COULD quit. I found out that I can do anything I set my mind to. The moment that hike was complete, I felt completely victorious. A little workout of 30 minutes to an hour at the Y is NOTHING compared to an eight hour trek through the woods.

piano stuff and a cute guy

Summer is going by so quickly! Already the month of June is half over! I can’t believe how quickly it is passing by. But I guess that’s normal, huh? My piano playing went VERY well… I can’t wait to tell you all about it. My passion for playing is completely renewed! We drove down to Oklahoma and got to the little church and set up. When the service started I wasn’t even nervous at all. We played our songs and I looked out into the audience and people were clapping their hands along with the music. I saw a woman with tears streaming down her face worshipping God. I felt completely joy and honor to even be a part of this amazing thing. We continued playing and made it through our whole set of songs, then we went back and did one more song slowly while the leader of the music (my friend Melissa – you met her at the party) prayed. As she was praying I felt the power of the Holy Spirit in the room and felt so honored to even be a part of this awesome opportunity. Then, after that, Melissa introduced the worship team to the congregation. She asked said “Tiffanie has such an amazing story, do you mind if I share?” I nodded my head that it was fine for her to share. She went on to share how I had my piano (my heart) destroyed with an ax when I was in an abusive relationship years ago, and how that this day was the first time I had used my gift. I didn’t expect it, but my eyes filled with tears at that moment and I felt so healed. I looked around the room and my friends were crying with me. It was so cleansing grandma. God is so good.

Then, I listened to my friend preach and afterwards there was an alter call. Melissa nodded to me to go play something for the invitation. I went up and chose a song called “Lift High – Our Chains Undone”. I started playing softly. It was just me on the keyboard and families were coming forward and getting prayer and getting set free and I could FEEL the holiness and tenderness of their situations. I was moved to tears once again.

I keep thinking how amazing it is to be on the GIVING side of God, as compared to the receiving end. Receiving is awesome and everything, but the GIVING part, now THAT is where it is at! It was so cool.

And a completely unrelated sidenote:

I was just sitting here at work and this totally handsome man named Rob was here doing something with Justin's truck. My little heart is still pitter patter for him. It's been a long time since I've felt little flutterings like that. I feel almost like a teenager :)

:)

I am so excited I can barely stand it! We practiced last night until about 10:00. My passion for piano playing is renewed!!!!It felt so awesome to be on that stage playing with the other musicians. I only hope that I can have more opportunities to play in things like this. It was sweaty, hard, exciting, passionate, and lovely all at the same time.I was so pumped up I couldn't sleep last night. I called my gema and talked her ear off for twenty minutes and my mom's too! They understand. It's like my passion and desire for playing piano have been renewed. I have not felt this way since the piano got destroyed and rebuilt.

Today's Stuff

So much has been going on in life. I guess I have been more busy living my life and not doing as much time reflecting and writing. But, I want to preserve some of the good things that have been going on as of late.

First of all, I have been exercising daily and am down six pounds! But it is not really about the pounds, as it is the healthy feeling that I have. I just started doing the C25K program and on Monday when I was at the Y, Ashlyn did half of the training with me on the track and Maddie did the other half. Little Abbie is not old enough to walk on the track yet, but I let her "sneak" one lap with mom. It made her smile so!!

Secondly, I have been sponsoring a girl and she is early in recovery. She is recovering from a bad relationship and we went to a domestic violence group last night together. I learned alot and mostly what I learned is just how far I have come in my recovery from bad relationships. The lady leading the group knew my history and asked me to share about my piano being destroyed by Johnnie. It took me by surprise the emotions that came out of me later that night having dredged up that old memory. This morning on the way to work, I recalled with great force the emotion of what it felt like to be choked by him. For once, I gave myself some loving compassion for the fear and feelings that I felt at that time.

A little bit of acceptance was born.

Late

Woke up LATE!!! All three girls had crawled into bed with me last night and we were all snuggled in. I think one of us was sleeping on the phone because the next thing I remember was the tiniest beeping sound coming from under the covers. It was the alarm and had been going off for oh, about an hour!!! LOL.

The good news is, we all got around in 15 minutes. We worked as a great team and they were at school by 7:50 and I was at work 7:55. FIVE MINUTES TO SPARE!! Say halelujah, because that, my friends, is a miracle!

Taking a step

Today I went back to counseling. I have to write a goodbye letter to Fred and come up with a list of what would make my ideal man.